Who's next?
George H. W. Bush
Experienced, intelligent. Meh.
George W. Bush
Somewhat experienced, quite incompetent, familiar with the concept of empathy, but usually avoids it and can’t spell it.
Donald J. Trump
No experience. completely incompetent, won’t even feign empathy, but with extreme narcissism thrown in to boot.
———
So based upon the downward spiral through the decades, I ran through some possibilities for the next Republican presidential nominee.
Montgomery Burns
Pros: rich, conniving, evil, no empathy, employs nincompoops. Cons: prepared for unforeseen eventualities.
Decision: put him on the short list.
Gordon Gecko
Pros: rich, conniving, self-serving, no empathy. Cons: intelligent.
Decision: pass.
Willy Wonka
Pros: rich, insane, tortures children, successful businessman, flouts OSHA regulations. Cons: teaches inspiring life lessons, gave business away to a kid, breaks into song.
Decision: pass.
Maleficent
Pros: evil, vengeful. Cons: woman.
Decision: pass.
Borat
Pros: idiot, almost Russian. Cons: happy, not American.
Decision: pass.
Judge Elihu Smails
Pros: rich, narcissistic, racist, sexist, classist, golfer. Cons: doesn’t win.
Decision: pass.
Jar Jar Binks
Pros: universally despised, idiot. Cons: doesn’t seem to be white.
Decision: pass.
Ron Burgundy
Pros: narcissist, idiot, white, male, TV star, sexist. Cons: journalist.
Decision: short list after corroborating experience with Breitbart and/or Fox.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau
Pros: law and order. Cons: French.
Decision: pass.
White Goodman
Pros: great name, successful businessman, dick, narcissist, berates everyone who is not him. Cons: loses.
Decision: pass.
Cast of villains
Pros: evil, conniving, murderous, driven, snarky laughs, loyal henchmen. Cons, in this order: female, gay?, possible environmentalist and happy.
Decision: pass, pass, pass and pass.
Dark Helmet
Pros: totalitarian, powerful, evil, idiot, fond of sexual innuendos, surrounded by assholes. Cons: I got nothing.
Decision: Finally, somebody they can work with. Let’s run with this one!
