Trump interview

A Donald Trump interview

I was able to snag a few minutes with the leader of the free world recently and as such can announce—with pleasure—the continuance of my wildly popular series of Trump interviews. The latest interview follows.

CM: I noticed in June that you enacted tariffs on Mexican goods imported into the country the day after Robert Mueller basically announced that it was congress' job to hold you accountable for your lawlessness. Nice timing, I guess. If we could fast forward to this month… on October 4 the democrats subpoenaed the White House for Ukraine documents, then on Oct. 6, lawyers announced they were representing a second whistleblower with firsthand knowledge of your corruption. Later that same day you announced you were withdrawing troops from Syria. So my question is, did you withdraw the troops to distract the nation from your bad press once again?

DT: I think we can all agree that the fake news media hates me. They hate me because I love America. They hate me because I'm successful. I'm successful and I'm rich. A lot of people don't know that. The dems put us into Syria and I think whistleblowers are unpatriotic. Very unpatriotic. Just like the dems. They all hate Americans. I don't know, that's what people say. Nancy and lying' Chuck and puny Schiff have no idea what it's like to love this country and I think we can all agree on that.

CM: Yes, but you seem to do something completely irresponsible and distracting whenever you're in really hot water, something big enough to draw people's attention away, and to some it might indicate you care more about your own political survival than you do anything else, even if people die.

DT: If people are going to die, let them do it and decrease the surplus population. It's not our responsibility. Joe Biden is the one you should be talking to. Him and his son Hunter. They're the ones killing people.

CM: Well, I suppose, since you brought it up… you say that the Bidens are corrupt, that Hunter is benefitting from his father's position and power. Can I mention something about a pot and a kettle and that your daughter—a handbag designer—has a position in the White House? Not to mention the Trump hotel three blocks from the White House and your idea of hosting the G7 at Trump Doral. Not to mention that your own administration released a transcript of your phone call with the Ukrainian president where you pressured him for an investigation into the Bidens. You know, I could go on for hours, but I guess my question is, do you think you'd be addicted to painkillers if hypocrisy was painful?

DT: Painkillers are for losers, especially the flavored ones. I think they want to kill our children, our beautiful children. The liberal scientists keep coming up with ways to kill our beautiful young people and I think it's horrible. Joe Biden convinced a small percentage of people, a very small percentage, about the liberal hoax called climate change. [Shakes his head and smirks.] Trump Doral is the best place in the country, probably the world I would say, to host the G7. I don't know. That's not me saying it, it's other people, a lot of people. Maybe they're right. What I will say is that this whole impeachment investigation is a sham. It's a betrayal of the American people. They're just sore losers because they lost the election. Hillary Clinton should be in jail. I can't believe they ran her against me. But that's the deep state. They love Hillary. But where is she now? She's not president. How do I know? Because I'm the president of America, the greatest country in the world. She had that whole email thing, and Benghazi! The libs don't want us talking about Benghazi. That's the problem with libs. They hate it when I tell the truth. They can't stand it. Because they know I'm right, but they want to cling on to their power. Which they would have if anyone else had run against Hillary. But the country was lucky enough to have me run. And I won. Huge win! Probably the biggest win in the history of elections, but I don't know. You tell me.

CM: Moving on. It seems that you were exactly right when you said you could shoot someone in the middle of Fifth Avenue and not lose any support, but now that cult-like fanaticism has infected nearly the entire Republican Party, including its leaders. I suspect the only thing that would shake their loyalty would be if there were video of you kissing a man. Based on how blatantly corrupt you are, what do you think this says of the GOP?

DT: The libs can't stand how popular I am. And I am. All of the polls show it. Just come to one of my rallies. It's one big love fest.

CM: Full of lunatics.

DT: And very fine people. Very fine. It's wonderful seeing a crowd of millions wearing MAGA hats. Some of the biggest crowds ever in one stadium. And I don't make a dime off of those hats. Not one dime. They won't tell you that on the fake news.

CM: I'll point out that the term fake news started being used in the 2016 elections to describe actual fake news that shone you in a good light and Hillary Clinton in a bad light. Then you stole the term and bastardized it. But let's forget that for now. Even if there was any reason to actually believe you, the connection between the presidency and Trump businesses—which you still own—benefits you.

DT: We make the best steaks and the best burritos. I love Mexicans!

CM: It's possible Rudy Giuliani will end up serving time. Why is it that three quarters of the people within arms reach of you end up in legal trouble? And is there anyone you won't throw under the bus for one good news cycle?

DT: The libs hate us. They hate success. I think I said that before. Next.

CM: It looks like you're going to be impeached in the House. Do you want to comment on that?

DT: I've decided in my great and unmatched wisdom that America is done taking care of the world and I am announcing a full withdrawal of troops from Brexit. Let's bring them back home!

Talking with Trump

Though believable, the following is a mock interview:

I recently had the privilege of interviewing Donald Trump, the leader of the free world. His responses, I think, shine a light on his complex mind, his joie de vivre, his nuanced approach to life, and perhaps most importantly, his inclination to always put himself last as he serves a great nation. The following is the transcript:

CM: You really seem to have embraced religion since you announced your candidacy. Can you talk a little about the importance faith has in your life?

DT: Well first let me say, nobody has more faith than I do. I mean, I eat a steak at Trump Tower—the best steak in the world, but that’s just what I’ve heard from other people. I mean I agree, but that’s what other people have told me. A lot of other people. They say ‘Donald.’ They really say Mr. President now, because that’s what I am, but you knew that, ‘How do you make steaks that are perfect? I mean I didn’t know steak could be this delicious.’ And what can I say except that I agree—I eat a Trump steak and what do I do first? I say a prayer. Cause that’s what people of faith do. It’s a beautiful thing. It really is. First you get the steak and then while you’re putting on the ketchup—which is the greatest condiment of all time, believe me—but while I’m putting it on, I’ve already started praying. I mean, let’s be honest. Can I be honest with you for one minute? God is the greatest. I don’t think I have to say any more than that. He is great. Do I think I’m great? I don’t know. Some people say I am. I’ve heard it. I’ve heard it a lot actually. A lot of people tell me I’m great. Who am I to argue, right? But the chapters? They’re great too. You have Genesis and . . . all the rest of them. I mean all of them. I don’t want to focus on Genesis, because there are so many beautiful, tremendous chapters in the bible. Chapter and verse, right? So that’s what I’m thinking before I eat. I want to thank God for giving me the ability to be great and do great things.

CM: Your son, Don Jr., has been catching some heat lately. Do you feel any of the criticism is warranted?

DT: Don, as you know, is my son. I was there when he spoke his first words. Right there in the same city. I was in the same building when his nanny brought him home for the first time. That was some nanny, let me tell you. Fabulous girl, tremendous. Beautiful, beautiful girl. Or wait, was that the other one? I think it was the beautiful one.

CM: What about the emails?

DT: Fabulous emails. That’s probably why I kept her around so long. I mean it’s not like she was all that good at her job. Terrible, really. Mexican, so, you get what you get. But she put it all out there, if you know what I mean. I said, ‘come on honey, you like your salary, don’t you? You like getting paid?’ and the next thing I knew, there were all these tremendous emails.

CM: Are you saying you told your nanny to send you explicit photos in exchange for keeping her job?

DT: Absolutely. She was fabulous. And I don’t say that lightly. I’m very particular. Very particular. As you know.

CM: But what about Don Jr.’s emails?

DT: I stand by my son one hundred percent. One thousand percent. He was transparent. He was honest. He was tremendous. Just tremendous. Eric’s another story.

CM: You’re fine with your son, who was deeply involved in your campaign, willfully accepting help from the Russian government? It’s okay that he had contended that the democrats and mainstream press were making up the whole idea of Russian collusion?

DT: It’s all just routine stuff, you know. The dems did worse, far worse. Selling children in pizza shops? Come on. That’s way worse. Hillary Clinton had emails. What about them? She used a private server, but no one’s talking about that anymore. You don’t think a private server is worse than a witch hunt? Who’s a witch? Hillary Rodham Clinton. They should investigate her. I don’t understand why they always want to investigate winners. I really don’t. Why don’t they investigate the losers? I’ve always said that Don is ultra dependable, a high quality person.

CM: It sounds like you’re describing a refrigerator.

DT: No, Don, my son.

CM: Okay, let’s move on. What historical figure have you learned the most from?

DT: Myself. I’m historical, right? I mean, I’m the President of the United States.

CM: So, you’ve learned a lot from yourself?

DT: I know more about everything than everyone, so who better to learn from? I don’t know, you tell me. You have a guy, a tremendous, powerful, rich—very rich I will say, but you knew that; everybody knows that—But anyway, you have a fabulous guy who knows everything there is to know. Absolutely everything. And you have other people who don’t know anything. They’re just not smart, especially compared to this guy, who is tremendous. Who are you going to learn more from? I know my answer.

CM: Do you have a favorite color?

DT: Easy one. Red, white and blue. Why? Because it’s the greatest color. And gold. Gold is the greatest color too. What I don’t like is yellow. The most failing of all colors. It looks like gold, but it’s not. It’s a cheap knockoff. An imitation. Gold is a winner. Yellow is a loser. Donald Trump is gold. Hillary Clinton is yellow. Is that clear enough for you?

: Have you ever used a microwave?

DT: Are you kidding? Have you seen my hands? A lot of people are saying they’re huge. I don’t know. I think they’re large, but what do I know? Lots of people say they are. I think that should answer your question. Not only would I never have a micro wave, I have a huge wave. Probably the biggest wave ever.

CM: You pulled the United States out of the Paris Climate Agreement. Do you accept the science about global warming?

DT: I don’t care about Paris or their climate. I ran on a pledge to make America great again. That’s all I’m going to say. You know the answer.

Trump discusses history's influential figures

Recently I had the chance to sit down for a short interview with Donald Trump. We focused on the people who helped shape this country and the world in which we live, both the good and the bad — some of history’s most influential individuals. I wanted to see who inspired the man, who repulsed him. I got that. But I got a whole lot more.

The following are his responses:

Albert Einstein: Tremendous. A tremendous man. Very smart. A lot of people don’t know that about him. He spent a lot of time on his smartness and it showed. I think it showed, I really do. I have no doubt that if he was still living he’d have a membership at Mar-a-Lago. Good deal. A very good deal. A very smart deal and I think that’s why he’d like it. Membership there is perhaps one of the greatest deals going and believe me, I know a thing or two about good deals. I think you know that.

Eleanor Roosevelt: Tremendous woman. Great woman. Not that attractive. I’d give her a 2 or 3, but she was old. I don’t know, maybe she was more attractive when she was younger. You gotta give me a break here. I mean why don’t you ask me about Scarlett Johansson. She’s better, I mean maybe a little better. She’s up there. Definitely a 9, might be as high as a 10. And very successful. Very. I like her a lot.

Abraham Lincoln: Fabulous man. One of the best. He was a republican. A lot of people don’t know that, but he was. The crooked media won’t tell you that, but I will. He had a great hat and a great beard. Great beard. Do I like beards? Not so much. I think they make you look shifty, but that was another time. You have to understand that. Back then a lot of men wore beards. They just did. And everyone wore a hat. Are you kidding me? Everyone. The women, the children. So for him to have been walking around without a hat. Do I think he would have been elected without one? I don’t know, but I don’t think so. I mean back then it was a sign of success. You know, the men had hats and beards. It was a crazy time.

Adolf Hitler: Very strong leader. Very strong. A lot of people don’t know that about him, but he didn’t let people tell him what to do. I think strong leaders are just that. They’re strong and they’re leaders. When I was running the Trump organization, which of course I’m not any more, but when I was I told it like it was. That’s just the way I am. And those people that know me, they’d agree. I think they’d agree, I really do. If you asked, “Was Donald Trump a strong leader?” They’d say, “Yes.” “Did he make his businesses successful?” “Yes, he did.” Because that’s what strong leaders do.

John F. Kennedy: I liked him, I really did. I liked him a lot. Of course his life was cut short, way too short. A lot of people don’t know that, but he could have been so great if they’d only given him a chance. It was the government, you know. It was the government. Make no mistake. They had the man there in the grassy knoll. Bad man, very bad. The worst kind of man. The kind we shouldn’t have been allowing into this country, but of course he worked for the government. Corrupt. Very corrupt. Incredibly corrupt. I can’t believe. I still can’t believe it. But there he was on the grassy knoll. You’re going to see some interesting things coming out about this in the next couple weeks. I won’t tell you how I know, but Fox News did a special segment on it and it was very good. They’re one of the only news outlets out there telling it like it is.

Vladimir Putin: Who?

Rosa Parks: Fabulous place. I love it. I’ve been there many, many times. Do I think the government should have its nose in it? I don’t. I think it’s terrible. To be perfectly honest, which is what I am. I always am, and you know that. Everybody knows that. But to be perfectly honest, I think we could do so much better. Would people like to see a Trump hotel there? I don’t know. I think they would. But we can’t because of the federal government. I mean that’s your land. It’s yours. And we can’t have fabulous places to enjoy on it because of regulations. But I think that’s going to be changing. And if I were to talk to Don and Eric I would tell them to look into maybe setting up there. I don’t talk to them, of course, but if I did, I think it would be very smart to set something up there, I really do. Don and Eric, I can’t give you advice, but set up there.

Martin Luther King, Jr.: A tremendous person. A lot of energy. I’ve been hearing great things about him. Great things. He’s an example of somebody who’s done an amazing job and is being recognized more and more.

Benito Mussolini: Very good. A top notch chef. I visited his restaurant . . . it’s on Fifth Avenue, isn’t it? Italian. Very good. I think we were in talks with him to open a place in Trump Tower, but it didn’t go anywhere. It just didn’t. He’s not that great. Overrated if you ask me. I tried the shrimp scampi and I put it with ketchup, because really, who doesn’t like that? And what did I think? Not so much, you know. I thought, why is this guy so popular? The ketchup was the best thing. And I’m a huge shrimp scampi fan. Huge. But no, it was disappointing. Sad. Total failure.

Nelson Mandela: One of my favorite African-Americans of all time. I love him. I think he just goes to show you can be black and be a very, very good person. A lot of people think you can’t. I don’t know. I read that. I see it all the time, but of course, it’s not true. It’s fake. The crooked media will tell you that he’s a bad man. He’s a very bad man. Oooh! So evil! But, of course, he’s not. He is a patriot. And I will look at you right now and tell you that.

William Shakespeare: He was a writer. A great writer. One of the greatest of all time. I don’t need a writer. But if I did, I could always hire one. I mean that’s the benefit of being rich. If you need someone you just hire them. But of course, I don’t use a writer. I’m not putting someone else’s words between me and the American people. The great American people. All those people that voted for me. I love them. And they love me. I mean, do they? I think so, but it’s mutual. We have the greatest people on the planet and they voted for me in record numbers. Huge, huge numbers. We have a billion people in this country and more than a billion people voted for me. What does that tell me? It tells me we have a problem with people voting in this country that shouldn’t be voting in this country. I mean how do you get more people voting for you than actually exist here? I don’t know. I mean they voted for me, which of course I like, but this is serious. We have to do something about all this fake voting. Maybe not allow people in New Hampshire to vote anymore. I don’t know. But the time for talking is over. It’s time for action. And I’m the only guy that can do it.
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