A Donald Trump interview

I was able to snag a few minutes with the leader of the free world recently and as such can announce—with pleasure—the continuance of my wildly popular series of Trump interviews. The latest interview follows.

CM: I noticed in June that you enacted tariffs on Mexican goods imported into the country the day after Robert Mueller basically announced that it was congress' job to hold you accountable for your lawlessness. Nice timing, I guess. If we could fast forward to this month… on October 4 the democrats subpoenaed the White House for Ukraine documents, then on Oct. 6, lawyers announced they were representing a second whistleblower with firsthand knowledge of your corruption. Later that same day you announced you were withdrawing troops from Syria. So my question is, did you withdraw the troops to distract the nation from your bad press once again?

DT: I think we can all agree that the fake news media hates me. They hate me because I love America. They hate me because I'm successful. I'm successful and I'm rich. A lot of people don't know that. The dems put us into Syria and I think whistleblowers are unpatriotic. Very unpatriotic. Just like the dems. They all hate Americans. I don't know, that's what people say. Nancy and lying' Chuck and puny Schiff have no idea what it's like to love this country and I think we can all agree on that.

CM: Yes, but you seem to do something completely irresponsible and distracting whenever you're in really hot water, something big enough to draw people's attention away, and to some it might indicate you care more about your own political survival than you do anything else, even if people die.

DT: If people are going to die, let them do it and decrease the surplus population. It's not our responsibility. Joe Biden is the one you should be talking to. Him and his son Hunter. They're the ones killing people.

CM: Well, I suppose, since you brought it up… you say that the Bidens are corrupt, that Hunter is benefitting from his father's position and power. Can I mention something about a pot and a kettle and that your daughter—a handbag designer—has a position in the White House? Not to mention the Trump hotel three blocks from the White House and your idea of hosting the G7 at Trump Doral. Not to mention that your own administration released a transcript of your phone call with the Ukrainian president where you pressured him for an investigation into the Bidens. You know, I could go on for hours, but I guess my question is, do you think you'd be addicted to painkillers if hypocrisy was painful?

DT: Painkillers are for losers, especially the flavored ones. I think they want to kill our children, our beautiful children. The liberal scientists keep coming up with ways to kill our beautiful young people and I think it's horrible. Joe Biden convinced a small percentage of people, a very small percentage, about the liberal hoax called climate change. [Shakes his head and smirks.] Trump Doral is the best place in the country, probably the world I would say, to host the G7. I don't know. That's not me saying it, it's other people, a lot of people. Maybe they're right. What I will say is that this whole impeachment investigation is a sham. It's a betrayal of the American people. They're just sore losers because they lost the election. Hillary Clinton should be in jail. I can't believe they ran her against me. But that's the deep state. They love Hillary. But where is she now? She's not president. How do I know? Because I'm the president of America, the greatest country in the world. She had that whole email thing, and Benghazi! The libs don't want us talking about Benghazi. That's the problem with libs. They hate it when I tell the truth. They can't stand it. Because they know I'm right, but they want to cling on to their power. Which they would have if anyone else had run against Hillary. But the country was lucky enough to have me run. And I won. Huge win! Probably the biggest win in the history of elections, but I don't know. You tell me.

CM: Moving on. It seems that you were exactly right when you said you could shoot someone in the middle of Fifth Avenue and not lose any support, but now that cult-like fanaticism has infected nearly the entire Republican Party, including its leaders. I suspect the only thing that would shake their loyalty would be if there were video of you kissing a man. Based on how blatantly corrupt you are, what do you think this says of the GOP?

DT: The libs can't stand how popular I am. And I am. All of the polls show it. Just come to one of my rallies. It's one big love fest.

CM: Full of lunatics.

DT: And very fine people. Very fine. It's wonderful seeing a crowd of millions wearing MAGA hats. Some of the biggest crowds ever in one stadium. And I don't make a dime off of those hats. Not one dime. They won't tell you that on the fake news.

CM: I'll point out that the term fake news started being used in the 2016 elections to describe actual fake news that shone you in a good light and Hillary Clinton in a bad light. Then you stole the term and bastardized it. But let's forget that for now. Even if there was any reason to actually believe you, the connection between the presidency and Trump businesses—which you still own—benefits you.

DT: We make the best steaks and the best burritos. I love Mexicans!

CM: It's possible Rudy Giuliani will end up serving time. Why is it that three quarters of the people within arms reach of you end up in legal trouble? And is there anyone you won't throw under the bus for one good news cycle?

DT: The libs hate us. They hate success. I think I said that before. Next.

CM: It looks like you're going to be impeached in the House. Do you want to comment on that?

DT: I've decided in my great and unmatched wisdom that America is done taking care of the world and I am announcing a full withdrawal of troops from Brexit. Let's bring them back home!
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