A Donald Trump interview

I was able to snag a few minutes with the leader of the free world recently and as such can announce—with pleasure—the continuance of my wildly popular series of Trump interviews. The latest interview follows.

CM: I noticed in June that you enacted tariffs on Mexican goods imported into the country the day after Robert Mueller basically announced that it was congress' job to hold you accountable for your lawlessness. Nice timing, I guess. If we could fast forward to this month… on October 4 the democrats subpoenaed the White House for Ukraine documents, then on Oct. 6, lawyers announced they were representing a second whistleblower with firsthand knowledge of your corruption. Later that same day you announced you were withdrawing troops from Syria. So my question is, did you withdraw the troops to distract the nation from your bad press once again?

DT: I think we can all agree that the fake news media hates me. They hate me because I love America. They hate me because I'm successful. I'm successful and I'm rich. A lot of people don't know that. The dems put us into Syria and I think whistleblowers are unpatriotic. Very unpatriotic. Just like the dems. They all hate Americans. I don't know, that's what people say. Nancy and lying' Chuck and puny Schiff have no idea what it's like to love this country and I think we can all agree on that.

CM: Yes, but you seem to do something completely irresponsible and distracting whenever you're in really hot water, something big enough to draw people's attention away, and to some it might indicate you care more about your own political survival than you do anything else, even if people die.

DT: If people are going to die, let them do it and decrease the surplus population. It's not our responsibility. Joe Biden is the one you should be talking to. Him and his son Hunter. They're the ones killing people.

CM: Well, I suppose, since you brought it up… you say that the Bidens are corrupt, that Hunter is benefitting from his father's position and power. Can I mention something about a pot and a kettle and that your daughter—a handbag designer—has a position in the White House? Not to mention the Trump hotel three blocks from the White House and your idea of hosting the G7 at Trump Doral. Not to mention that your own administration released a transcript of your phone call with the Ukrainian president where you pressured him for an investigation into the Bidens. You know, I could go on for hours, but I guess my question is, do you think you'd be addicted to painkillers if hypocrisy was painful?

DT: Painkillers are for losers, especially the flavored ones. I think they want to kill our children, our beautiful children. The liberal scientists keep coming up with ways to kill our beautiful young people and I think it's horrible. Joe Biden convinced a small percentage of people, a very small percentage, about the liberal hoax called climate change. [Shakes his head and smirks.] Trump Doral is the best place in the country, probably the world I would say, to host the G7. I don't know. That's not me saying it, it's other people, a lot of people. Maybe they're right. What I will say is that this whole impeachment investigation is a sham. It's a betrayal of the American people. They're just sore losers because they lost the election. Hillary Clinton should be in jail. I can't believe they ran her against me. But that's the deep state. They love Hillary. But where is she now? She's not president. How do I know? Because I'm the president of America, the greatest country in the world. She had that whole email thing, and Benghazi! The libs don't want us talking about Benghazi. That's the problem with libs. They hate it when I tell the truth. They can't stand it. Because they know I'm right, but they want to cling on to their power. Which they would have if anyone else had run against Hillary. But the country was lucky enough to have me run. And I won. Huge win! Probably the biggest win in the history of elections, but I don't know. You tell me.

CM: Moving on. It seems that you were exactly right when you said you could shoot someone in the middle of Fifth Avenue and not lose any support, but now that cult-like fanaticism has infected nearly the entire Republican Party, including its leaders. I suspect the only thing that would shake their loyalty would be if there were video of you kissing a man. Based on how blatantly corrupt you are, what do you think this says of the GOP?

DT: The libs can't stand how popular I am. And I am. All of the polls show it. Just come to one of my rallies. It's one big love fest.

CM: Full of lunatics.

DT: And very fine people. Very fine. It's wonderful seeing a crowd of millions wearing MAGA hats. Some of the biggest crowds ever in one stadium. And I don't make a dime off of those hats. Not one dime. They won't tell you that on the fake news.

CM: I'll point out that the term fake news started being used in the 2016 elections to describe actual fake news that shone you in a good light and Hillary Clinton in a bad light. Then you stole the term and bastardized it. But let's forget that for now. Even if there was any reason to actually believe you, the connection between the presidency and Trump businesses—which you still own—benefits you.

DT: We make the best steaks and the best burritos. I love Mexicans!

CM: It's possible Rudy Giuliani will end up serving time. Why is it that three quarters of the people within arms reach of you end up in legal trouble? And is there anyone you won't throw under the bus for one good news cycle?

DT: The libs hate us. They hate success. I think I said that before. Next.

CM: It looks like you're going to be impeached in the House. Do you want to comment on that?

DT: I've decided in my great and unmatched wisdom that America is done taking care of the world and I am announcing a full withdrawal of troops from Brexit. Let's bring them back home!

Rock climbing, seriously?

Why does everyone in car commercials have to go rock climbing? Your SUV will bring you places no ordinary car could, like up the side of a mountain. Just think, after you buy your new car, your life will change. You'll become active and more liked. People will stand in awe of you. Think of the adventures you'll have. Remember how you always planned on going rock climbing?


As 2018 draws to a close, I figured I'd make a few predictions for 2019. Sadly, these aren't all jokes.

• With a flailing administration, Trump will start a war in an attempt to distract from his legal problems and because, for some reason, people like wartime presidents.
• The Republican Party will promote their new slogan: Make love to guns, not people.
• And their other slogan: The emperor has the best clothes.
• With the help of the current administration, Trump's followers will form an official non-profit, filed under religions (cults), where they'll pay no taxes and all of the profits will go to their glorious leader.
• Mitch McConnell will be in a fender bender with Merrick Garland's wife and get his sniveling ass kicked by her.
• Sarah Huckabee Sanders and Stephen Miller will battle it out for least likable person alive.
• Kellyanne Conway will short circuit trying to come up with excuses for Trump's actions, all while being condescending to someone she's accusing of being condescending.
• Don Junior and Eric Trump will wish they'd stayed out of things like their black sheep, hermit of a sister … old what's her name.
• Fox News will come up with newer, more inventive ways of insulating the president from criticism and blaming democrats for everything bad.
• It will dawn on a Trump fan in southern Ohio that, you know what, he'd rather have a good Mexican meal made by someone who doesn't speak English than a crappy one made by someone who does, and that it doesn't really affect him in any way if a gay couple gets married.
• Trump will declare that the money that the shutdown has saved will pay for the wall. (Wait a second, cross that off. He just did it.)
• A national media outlet somewhere will run a story about Melania Trump that doesn't mention what she's wearing.
• Evangelicals will locate a verse in the Bible that will make everything Trump does okay in their eyes. The Gospel according to Trump.
• Trump will be caught on camera saying, "I care about money. I don't care about people," and will "double down" on it when confronted, because that's what strong leaders do.
• Trump will blame the upcoming recession on Democrats being elected.

… and what else?

• Mueller's report will contain evidence of several serious crimes committed by Trump, his family and cohorts, but the Republicans in the Senate will refuse to impeach.

I don't make the rules

There are some indisputable laws we're all forced to concede: Gravity pulls on everything; nature abhors a vacuum; and honey works its way inexorably and despite all preventive measures, onto our clothes.

2018 Trump plans unearthed


The seven deady sins

Let’s start with the list of seven deadly sins: pride, greed, lust, envy, gluttony, wrath and sloth.

In January I noted that Trump was guilty of six of the deadly sins, giving him the benefit of the doubt that he wasn’t a sloth. I’d like to change my ruling on that.

As of yesterday, Donald Trump had spent 67 days on the golf course since he became president. That’s once every four days. (The Washington Post also notes that the cost to taxpayers for his golf outings has been $70,708,315.) Where was he in the early days of Hurricane Maria’s cleanup in Puerto Rico? He was at Trump National Golf Club in Bedminster, NJ, complaining that the people organizing the cleanup “want everything to be done for them.”

Anyway, Trump averages a quarter of his days on golf courses (the fact that he owns the courses he visits and is financially benefitting from his own visits is a whole other ball of wax). So I’d say I’m safe in adding sloth to his list of traits, confirming him as a perfect embodiment of deadly sin. All verifiable, as opposed to anything that comes from the hole under his nose.

Let’s check.

Pride I don’t know if I even need to go into the list of superlatives he uses to describe himself, but here are some:

I will be the greatest jobs president that God ever created.

I’m really rich! I’ll show you that in a second. And by the way: I’m not even saying that in a brag.

I’m the most militaristic person ever.

I will build a great wall . . . and nobody builds walls better than me, believe me.

I’m really smart – I went to the Wharton School of Finance.

I have a great relationship with the Mexican people. . . . They love me, I love them, and I’ll tell you something, if I get the nomination, I’ll win the Latino vote.

I listen to the people. I get the biggest crowds. I get the biggest standing ovations and I guess you see it in the poll numbers.

I made a lot of money doing everything I did. I made a lot of money with The Apprentice. I made a lot of money in real estate. I made a lot of money with everything I did. I’ve had great success.

If you look at
Businessweek Magazine, they did a story on the ten things that China most wants. One of the 10 things – anything Trump. Anything Trump!

Obviously the list goes on and on and on, but I’ll leave it there.

Greed Um . . . I don’t have to waste my time proving all of these things, do I?

Lust See “Greed”

Envy I could point out that Hillary Clinton won the popular vote and Trump started a bogus voter fraud commission to try to discredit the fact, but I’ll also add that there are indeed people Trump envies, generally for wielding unquestioned authority.

He admires Putin: “I’ve already said, he is really very much of a leader.”

Philippines leader Rodrigo Duterte: (who brags about personally executing criminals) is “fighting very hard to rid [his] country of drugs.”

Kim Jong Un: “At a very young age, he was able to assume power. A lot of people, I'm sure, tried to take that power away, whether it was his uncle or anybody else. And he was able to do it. So obviously, he's a pretty smart cookie.

Gluttony A lot of fat 71-year olds enjoy KFC, but the man also eats his steak with ketchup.

Wrath Not many people hold a grudge like the current U.S. leader and his list of enemies includes anyone who has dared to criticize him. He tweeted a quote from Alfred Hitchcock, “Revenge is sweet and not fattening.” I’ll just rattle off a few names: John McCain, Alicia Machado, Rosie O’Donnell, Khizr and Ghazala Khan, Megyn Kelly, Mika Brzezinski and Hillary Clinton.

And sloth makes it a wrap. I give you Donald Trump, leader of the free world and the antithesis of Christianity.

For crying out loud

I’m going to admit defeat, here. The weather app on my phone is rarely correct more than a day or two out, except when I challenge it to a duel. Then suddenly, it’s spot on. I predicted a week ago that today would be partly cloudy and 68. The phone said it’d be partly sunny and 67. It is with a sunken heart that I declare today’s weather to be 67 and mostly sunny and so, the phone was more accurate than I was. But I will point out, I was pretty damned close. I mean one degree off and a little fewer clouds. Come on, it does knock down the weather app’s magic a little, doesn’t it?

Okay, I’m bored with this.


Okay, once again, I’ve been bested. Last week I guessed this Sunday would be 72 and partly sunny and on Thursday, my weather app predicted 83 and mostly sunny. It turns out that it was 88 and sunny today, so the weather app has won for the second week in a row.

Now in my defense, I’ve guessed seven days out for two weeks in a row and the weather app had two and three days respectively for its predictions. I say they lucked out, but I’ll change the rules again, because I’m the one writing this and likely the only one paying attention to this competition. Next Sunday, according to my feelings, the weather for New Hampshire’s seacoast will be partly cloudy and 68. Checking the weather app on my phone, it’s saying: 67 and partly sunny. Ok. Truth be told I guessed before I looked at the app and it looks like we’re both guessing pretty close. But that’s the way these things work.

So we’ll see how we did. This could be a Price is Right kind of competition this week, where if it’s lower than 67, the app wins and if it’s over 68, I win. Here goes . . .

Sunday's game isn't about football

Well I’ve noted my weather app’s prediction for Sunday and it’s pretty different from what I guessed last week. To recap: I’m pitting my sheer guesses against my phone’s weather app to see which is more accurate. On Thursday, my phone told me that Sunday would be 83 and mostly sunny. Last week I guessed it would be 72 and partly sunny. Now all we have to do is wait.


It takes a big man to admit he’s wrong. In the challenge of me versus iPhone, it’s weather app 1; me 0. Ah well. The weather for Sunday is 77 and partly sunny. On Friday, the weather app correctly predicted 77 and partly sunny and that’s what it is. I had guessed 72 and partly cloudy (isn’t that basically partly sunny?) a week ago without any help from computers or satellites, etc. I was off by five degrees.

But I still think I’m onto something. I’m going to even things out just a hair. Let’s put the weather app back a day. Let’s see how accurate it is three days out. I’ll still stick with a week, just to show that I’m completely guessing. So next Sunday, I’m predicting, will be partly sunny and 72. I’ll check the ol’ weather app on Thursday and take a note of its prediction and we’ll go for another round . . .

Quiet everyone! The bet's on.

Last week I griped about the inaccuracy of my phone’s weather app and I predicted what the weather for this Sunday would be without the aid of any computers, satellites or the like. (Yes, I’ve used several different apps, but they all seem to be equally bad at predictions.) Yesterday I checked my app and it said tomorrow (Sunday) would be partly sunny and 77. My prediction last week was partly sunny and 72.

Now we play the waiting game. Let’s see who was more right. This is getting exciting, right?

Weather app, schmeather app

I’ve had a theory on weather predictions for the past decade or so. It goes like this: Sometime, long ago, an editor or manager of some news service told his meteorologist that it would be wonderful for circulation if he could predict the weather two days ahead instead of just one. The meteorologist, knowing his craft, said that to do so was folly. With the innumerable things that can affect weather, he said, accuracy wouldn’t be better than 50-50. One day, he relayed, was pushing it; two was a crapshoot. To hell with it, the editor replied. Give us two and people will think it’s better than nothing.

So the meteorologist started the two-day forecast and it was a hit. Despite its inaccuracy, the public figured this news outlet must know more than the others, something to do with modern technology.

Then the editor at a competing news organization asked his meteorologist why he wasn’t giving them two days, to which the man replied the same as the first: It’s nothing more than an educated guess. Well, dammit! We look like Johnny-Come-Latelys. Pump it up to three days! And so the second meteorologist did his best to predict three days out.

Then we had five-day forecasts, and then seven and now 10. How accurate is 10? They have trouble with hurricanes that far out, and those tend to be really big, so I’m guessing a 10-day prediction has some correlation to a broken clock being right twice a day.

Faithfully each morning I open the weather app on my phone and check the latest predictions for the coming days, and sure enough it’s just as apt to be wrong as right (often even on the same day) and I wondered how my random guesses would compare. So I’m going to try predicting the weather without any satellites, models or computers. It’s Sunday, so I’m going to guess the weather for Seacoast New Hampshire for next Sunday. That’s seven days out. Then I’ll note my phone’s prediction on Friday and keep up the guesses for the weeks or months after and see how complete guesses stack up.

Next Sunday, Sept. 17, in my area, will be partly cloudy and 72.

The game’s afoot!

Who's next?

I’ve been racking my brains trying to figure out where the Republicans can go from here. Let’s look at their past few presidential offerings:

George H. W. Bush

Experienced, intelligent. Meh.

George W. Bush

Somewhat experienced, quite incompetent, familiar with the concept of empathy, but usually avoids it and can’t spell it.

Donald J. Trump
Self-loving Trump

No experience. completely incompetent, won’t even feign empathy, but with extreme narcissism thrown in to boot.


So based upon the downward spiral through the decades, I ran through some possibilities for the next Republican presidential nominee.

Montgomery Burns
Monty Burns

Pros: rich, conniving, evil, no empathy, employs nincompoops. Cons: prepared for unforeseen eventualities.

Decision: put him on the short list.

Gordon Gecko
Gordon Gecko

Pros: rich, conniving, self-serving, no empathy. Cons: intelligent.

Decision: pass.

Willy Wonka
Willy Wonka

Pros: rich, insane, tortures children, successful businessman, flouts OSHA regulations. Cons: teaches inspiring life lessons, gave business away to a kid, breaks into song.

Decision: pass.


Pros: evil, vengeful. Cons: woman.

Decision: pass.


Pros: idiot, almost Russian. Cons: happy, not American.

Decision: pass.

Judge Elihu Smails
The judge

Pros: rich, narcissistic, racist, sexist, classist, golfer. Cons: doesn’t win.

Decision: pass.

Jar Jar Binks
Jar Jar

Pros: universally despised, idiot. Cons: doesn’t seem to be white.

Decision: pass.

Ron Burgundy
Ron Burgundy

Pros: narcissist, idiot, white, male, TV star, sexist. Cons: journalist.

Decision: short list after corroborating experience with Breitbart and/or Fox.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau
Inspector Clouseau

Pros: law and order. Cons: French.

Decision: pass.

White Goodman

Pros: great name, successful businessman, dick, narcissist, berates everyone who is not him. Cons: loses.

Decision: pass.

Cast of villains

Pros: evil, conniving, murderous, driven, snarky laughs, loyal henchmen. Cons, in this order: female, gay?, possible environmentalist and happy.

Decision: pass, pass, pass and pass.

Dark Helmet
Dark helmet

Pros: totalitarian, powerful, evil, idiot, fond of sexual innuendos, surrounded by assholes. Cons: I got nothing.

Decision: Finally, somebody they can work with. Let’s run with this one!

Nothing to worry about

Chris Christie on the beach


Trump Hogg and Ryan P Coltrane

… and so Rosco was selected to chair Boss Hogg’s oversight committee.

Talking with Trump

Though believable, the following is a mock interview:

I recently had the privilege of interviewing Donald Trump, the leader of the free world. His responses, I think, shine a light on his complex mind, his joie de vivre, his nuanced approach to life, and perhaps most importantly, his inclination to always put himself last as he serves a great nation. The following is the transcript:

CM: You really seem to have embraced religion since you announced your candidacy. Can you talk a little about the importance faith has in your life?

DT: Well first let me say, nobody has more faith than I do. I mean, I eat a steak at Trump Tower—the best steak in the world, but that’s just what I’ve heard from other people. I mean I agree, but that’s what other people have told me. A lot of other people. They say ‘Donald.’ They really say Mr. President now, because that’s what I am, but you knew that, ‘How do you make steaks that are perfect? I mean I didn’t know steak could be this delicious.’ And what can I say except that I agree—I eat a Trump steak and what do I do first? I say a prayer. Cause that’s what people of faith do. It’s a beautiful thing. It really is. First you get the steak and then while you’re putting on the ketchup—which is the greatest condiment of all time, believe me—but while I’m putting it on, I’ve already started praying. I mean, let’s be honest. Can I be honest with you for one minute? God is the greatest. I don’t think I have to say any more than that. He is great. Do I think I’m great? I don’t know. Some people say I am. I’ve heard it. I’ve heard it a lot actually. A lot of people tell me I’m great. Who am I to argue, right? But the chapters? They’re great too. You have Genesis and . . . all the rest of them. I mean all of them. I don’t want to focus on Genesis, because there are so many beautiful, tremendous chapters in the bible. Chapter and verse, right? So that’s what I’m thinking before I eat. I want to thank God for giving me the ability to be great and do great things.

CM: Your son, Don Jr., has been catching some heat lately. Do you feel any of the criticism is warranted?

DT: Don, as you know, is my son. I was there when he spoke his first words. Right there in the same city. I was in the same building when his nanny brought him home for the first time. That was some nanny, let me tell you. Fabulous girl, tremendous. Beautiful, beautiful girl. Or wait, was that the other one? I think it was the beautiful one.

CM: What about the emails?

DT: Fabulous emails. That’s probably why I kept her around so long. I mean it’s not like she was all that good at her job. Terrible, really. Mexican, so, you get what you get. But she put it all out there, if you know what I mean. I said, ‘come on honey, you like your salary, don’t you? You like getting paid?’ and the next thing I knew, there were all these tremendous emails.

CM: Are you saying you told your nanny to send you explicit photos in exchange for keeping her job?

DT: Absolutely. She was fabulous. And I don’t say that lightly. I’m very particular. Very particular. As you know.

CM: But what about Don Jr.’s emails?

DT: I stand by my son one hundred percent. One thousand percent. He was transparent. He was honest. He was tremendous. Just tremendous. Eric’s another story.

CM: You’re fine with your son, who was deeply involved in your campaign, willfully accepting help from the Russian government? It’s okay that he had contended that the democrats and mainstream press were making up the whole idea of Russian collusion?

DT: It’s all just routine stuff, you know. The dems did worse, far worse. Selling children in pizza shops? Come on. That’s way worse. Hillary Clinton had emails. What about them? She used a private server, but no one’s talking about that anymore. You don’t think a private server is worse than a witch hunt? Who’s a witch? Hillary Rodham Clinton. They should investigate her. I don’t understand why they always want to investigate winners. I really don’t. Why don’t they investigate the losers? I’ve always said that Don is ultra dependable, a high quality person.

CM: It sounds like you’re describing a refrigerator.

DT: No, Don, my son.

CM: Okay, let’s move on. What historical figure have you learned the most from?

DT: Myself. I’m historical, right? I mean, I’m the President of the United States.

CM: So, you’ve learned a lot from yourself?

DT: I know more about everything than everyone, so who better to learn from? I don’t know, you tell me. You have a guy, a tremendous, powerful, rich—very rich I will say, but you knew that; everybody knows that—But anyway, you have a fabulous guy who knows everything there is to know. Absolutely everything. And you have other people who don’t know anything. They’re just not smart, especially compared to this guy, who is tremendous. Who are you going to learn more from? I know my answer.

CM: Do you have a favorite color?

DT: Easy one. Red, white and blue. Why? Because it’s the greatest color. And gold. Gold is the greatest color too. What I don’t like is yellow. The most failing of all colors. It looks like gold, but it’s not. It’s a cheap knockoff. An imitation. Gold is a winner. Yellow is a loser. Donald Trump is gold. Hillary Clinton is yellow. Is that clear enough for you?

: Have you ever used a microwave?

DT: Are you kidding? Have you seen my hands? A lot of people are saying they’re huge. I don’t know. I think they’re large, but what do I know? Lots of people say they are. I think that should answer your question. Not only would I never have a micro wave, I have a huge wave. Probably the biggest wave ever.

CM: You pulled the United States out of the Paris Climate Agreement. Do you accept the science about global warming?

DT: I don’t care about Paris or their climate. I ran on a pledge to make America great again. That’s all I’m going to say. You know the answer.

More Photoshopping fun

The future of health care?What was really in their heads?Part deux, what was really in their heads?

Fun on a rainy Saturday

Merkel's thoughts on TrumpTrump and Pence switch facesTeton National Park under TrumpA picture is worth a thousand words

The classics

Hogwash!I'll get you, my pretty!

The real inspiration?

Ahh, the memories . . .

Yes Sensai!So's your old man!This ain't no peep show!We might need the

Trump discusses history's influential figures

Recently I had the chance to sit down for a short interview with Donald Trump. We focused on the people who helped shape this country and the world in which we live, both the good and the bad — some of history’s most influential individuals. I wanted to see who inspired the man, who repulsed him. I got that. But I got a whole lot more.

The following are his responses:

Albert Einstein: Tremendous. A tremendous man. Very smart. A lot of people don’t know that about him. He spent a lot of time on his smartness and it showed. I think it showed, I really do. I have no doubt that if he was still living he’d have a membership at Mar-a-Lago. Good deal. A very good deal. A very smart deal and I think that’s why he’d like it. Membership there is perhaps one of the greatest deals going and believe me, I know a thing or two about good deals. I think you know that.

Eleanor Roosevelt: Tremendous woman. Great woman. Not that attractive. I’d give her a 2 or 3, but she was old. I don’t know, maybe she was more attractive when she was younger. You gotta give me a break here. I mean why don’t you ask me about Scarlett Johansson. She’s better, I mean maybe a little better. She’s up there. Definitely a 9, might be as high as a 10. And very successful. Very. I like her a lot.

Abraham Lincoln: Fabulous man. One of the best. He was a republican. A lot of people don’t know that, but he was. The crooked media won’t tell you that, but I will. He had a great hat and a great beard. Great beard. Do I like beards? Not so much. I think they make you look shifty, but that was another time. You have to understand that. Back then a lot of men wore beards. They just did. And everyone wore a hat. Are you kidding me? Everyone. The women, the children. So for him to have been walking around without a hat. Do I think he would have been elected without one? I don’t know, but I don’t think so. I mean back then it was a sign of success. You know, the men had hats and beards. It was a crazy time.

Adolf Hitler: Very strong leader. Very strong. A lot of people don’t know that about him, but he didn’t let people tell him what to do. I think strong leaders are just that. They’re strong and they’re leaders. When I was running the Trump organization, which of course I’m not any more, but when I was I told it like it was. That’s just the way I am. And those people that know me, they’d agree. I think they’d agree, I really do. If you asked, “Was Donald Trump a strong leader?” They’d say, “Yes.” “Did he make his businesses successful?” “Yes, he did.” Because that’s what strong leaders do.

John F. Kennedy: I liked him, I really did. I liked him a lot. Of course his life was cut short, way too short. A lot of people don’t know that, but he could have been so great if they’d only given him a chance. It was the government, you know. It was the government. Make no mistake. They had the man there in the grassy knoll. Bad man, very bad. The worst kind of man. The kind we shouldn’t have been allowing into this country, but of course he worked for the government. Corrupt. Very corrupt. Incredibly corrupt. I can’t believe. I still can’t believe it. But there he was on the grassy knoll. You’re going to see some interesting things coming out about this in the next couple weeks. I won’t tell you how I know, but Fox News did a special segment on it and it was very good. They’re one of the only news outlets out there telling it like it is.

Vladimir Putin: Who?

Rosa Parks: Fabulous place. I love it. I’ve been there many, many times. Do I think the government should have its nose in it? I don’t. I think it’s terrible. To be perfectly honest, which is what I am. I always am, and you know that. Everybody knows that. But to be perfectly honest, I think we could do so much better. Would people like to see a Trump hotel there? I don’t know. I think they would. But we can’t because of the federal government. I mean that’s your land. It’s yours. And we can’t have fabulous places to enjoy on it because of regulations. But I think that’s going to be changing. And if I were to talk to Don and Eric I would tell them to look into maybe setting up there. I don’t talk to them, of course, but if I did, I think it would be very smart to set something up there, I really do. Don and Eric, I can’t give you advice, but set up there.

Martin Luther King, Jr.: A tremendous person. A lot of energy. I’ve been hearing great things about him. Great things. He’s an example of somebody who’s done an amazing job and is being recognized more and more.

Benito Mussolini: Very good. A top notch chef. I visited his restaurant . . . it’s on Fifth Avenue, isn’t it? Italian. Very good. I think we were in talks with him to open a place in Trump Tower, but it didn’t go anywhere. It just didn’t. He’s not that great. Overrated if you ask me. I tried the shrimp scampi and I put it with ketchup, because really, who doesn’t like that? And what did I think? Not so much, you know. I thought, why is this guy so popular? The ketchup was the best thing. And I’m a huge shrimp scampi fan. Huge. But no, it was disappointing. Sad. Total failure.

Nelson Mandela: One of my favorite African-Americans of all time. I love him. I think he just goes to show you can be black and be a very, very good person. A lot of people think you can’t. I don’t know. I read that. I see it all the time, but of course, it’s not true. It’s fake. The crooked media will tell you that he’s a bad man. He’s a very bad man. Oooh! So evil! But, of course, he’s not. He is a patriot. And I will look at you right now and tell you that.

William Shakespeare: He was a writer. A great writer. One of the greatest of all time. I don’t need a writer. But if I did, I could always hire one. I mean that’s the benefit of being rich. If you need someone you just hire them. But of course, I don’t use a writer. I’m not putting someone else’s words between me and the American people. The great American people. All those people that voted for me. I love them. And they love me. I mean, do they? I think so, but it’s mutual. We have the greatest people on the planet and they voted for me in record numbers. Huge, huge numbers. We have a billion people in this country and more than a billion people voted for me. What does that tell me? It tells me we have a problem with people voting in this country that shouldn’t be voting in this country. I mean how do you get more people voting for you than actually exist here? I don’t know. I mean they voted for me, which of course I like, but this is serious. We have to do something about all this fake voting. Maybe not allow people in New Hampshire to vote anymore. I don’t know. But the time for talking is over. It’s time for action. And I’m the only guy that can do it.

Has this country gone insane with tipping?

Increasingly, I find myself in restaurants set up like McDonald’s, where I order at the counter and pick the food up myself when it’s ready. It’s efficient. No problem. But the latest trend seems to be paying on an iPad, where it asks if you want to leave a tip.

Okay, I’ll just get the obvious out of the way first: I tip wait staff because the laws in this country allow employers to pay them less than the minimum wage and those workers generally rely on tips to earn a living. It’s a crazy system, but that’s the way it goes.

But there’s no wait staff here. I stand in line to order. The food is set on the counter and I walk it to the seat myself. Nobody asks if I want a refill. Nobody asks me how everything is or brings me a bottle of Tabasco. Nobody tries to appear upbeat when they’d rather be off the clock. Nobody suggests menu items or keeps an eye on me in case I want something else. Then I clear the table myself. What exactly am I tipping for?

Traditionally, the server leaves the bill and you figure out a tip while they wander around for a few minutes. I leave at least 20 percent, even if the service is terrible. There’s a guilt that weighs upon me that this person is counting on me to pay his or her wages.

But in these restaurants, the cashier is staring directly at me as I pay the bill. What am I supposed to do, ask them to quantify a tip? The iPad spins around and I feel like a heel if I don’t leave one. Here’s 20 percent for punching my order into the computer. (I’ll concede there’s usually an option of 10, 15 or 20 percent or no tip).

Are the cashiers paid at wait staff wages? And even if they are, full tips have usually required dealing with customers for 45 minutes or an hour, however long they’re seated. A cashier can be done with you in under a minute. How can that possibly equate to 20 percent? Do they split the tip amongst the rest of the staff?

Part of me feels like I’m being nickled and dimed from the minute I step out of the house. Free parking is disappearing anywhere near my hometown. Convenience fees? Fees for not using a bank account? Airline seat selection? Checking baggage at the counter rather than online? Fees for talking to an actual person? Eighteen different phone and cable taxes? I leave tips at sandwich shops and ice cream stands. Now I have to tip so I can serve myself in a restaurant? What’s next, tipping the grocery store cashier?

I know I’m spitting into the wind, but how about we raise the menu prices enough to pay everyone a living wage and reserve tipping for when someone does an outstanding job? “Wow, that person was really great. I think I’ll show my appreciation.” Or at least reserve tipping for when someone actually does something.

I’ve read that there are restaurants toying with this idea and I like it. Apparently some people argue that it’s a disincentive for waiters and waitresses to do their jobs well, but I imagine those complaints are made by people who don’t even look at the wait staff when they’re being waited on. The idea might also lower take home pay for some servers and I’m against that, but it also ensures that the wait staff doesn’t get stiffed by cheap-asses.

And for anyone who wants to provide solutions, don’t bother. My inner guilt will always oblige me to leave a good tip and offer disgruntled mutterings to myself before I tuck in.

Donald Trump continued

Trump: The opinion of this so-called judge, which essentially takes law enforcement away from our country, is ridiculous and will be overturned.

Me: The opinion of this so-called president, who is seeking the white supremacist holy grail — a way to discriminate legally — is ridiculous and will be condemned by anyone with a moral compass.

Trump: When a country is no longer able to say who can, and who cannot, come in & out, especially for reason of safety & security — big trouble!

Me: When the narcissist-in-chief thinks he is the country and is able to say who can, and who cannot, come in and out, based on racism — big trouble!

The “so-called president” is . . .

the schoolyard bully who forces you to hit yourself with your own hand while telling you to stop hitting yourself.

the high schooler driving the BMW who yells “nice car” to the kid driving the Tercel.

the banker who knew the borrower couldn’t afford the mortgage.

the punk who makes fun of the nerds for understanding the assignment.

the knucklehead who applauds when the busboy drops a plate.

the kid who played with cats and firecrackers at the same time.

the man at the restaurant who doesn’t comprehend that there are times you shouldn’t speak at full volume.

the coworker who doesn’t chip in, but still signs the card.

the guy driving a Hummer who refuses to stop for the old couple at the crosswalk.

the shopper who leaves the cart in the middle of a parking space.

the shopper who decides he doesn’t want the meat and leaves it in the cereal aisle.

the kid who “accidentally” knocks your pen off your desk, says “oops, sorry,” then leaves it for you to pick up, and snickers when you do.

the guy who cheats if he thinks no one is looking.

the asshat who weasels in front of you when there isn’t a definitive line.

the man who believes having money is synonymous with having class.

the diner who refuses to meet eyes with the waiter.

the rich kid who has always gotten what he wanted.

the high schooler who asks the girl, “what are you dating that loser for?”

the Cobra Kai sensei on the Karate Kid.

the tosser yapping on his phone during the movie.

the college boy about whom the girls were referring when they said, “men are jerks.”

the banker who forecloses on the old woman for a 14 cent discrepancy.

your date who’s flirting with the waitress.

the bully who gets a smaller kid in a headlock, but throws his hands up in the air and declares, “what?” innocently when the teacher catches him.

the other driver who steals your parking spot.

the kid who coughs the word “ugly” when a certain girl’s name is called during attendance.

Donald Trump

Future blogs won’t rise to the level of negativity as this one; I’m trying to be more positive. But I can’t think of anything that has ever bothered me as much as the election of Donald Trump, and with his first days at the helm, there isn’t a better time to let loose.

We made a YUGE mistake. A tremendous, tremendous mistake.

First I’ll say that I know and like people who voted for Donald Trump. I don’t care for them any less because of it, but I am baffled. I dislike Donald Trump more than just about any person on earth. I think he embodies the worst traits in humanity and I have never been more disappointed with my country.

If you don’t agree with me, this isn’t for you. If you’re someone who feels the need to tell me where it’s at, stop being so angry. Your guy won; show a little class. For the record, sore winners are worse than sore losers and until his lawyers threaten me with endless litigation because he’s a big baby who can’t take criticism, this is staying up. If you want to put up a Trump love poem or a seething review of Hillary, get your own website.

His gripes and Twitter rants are so frequent and ridiculous that they’ve become background noise for me, like a kindergartner who cries about 80 things a day. I used to read about each one, perplexed that it was an adult writing it and whining like his favorite toy had been taken away or someone had called him a name. But the entertainment factor has worn off for me. He’s the boy who cried wolf and I don’t pay attention to his self-centered ramblings anymore.

He seems to think that every complicated, lingering problem has a simple solution that everyone just missed. I believe that’s almost never the case. Did it actually run through his mind that the Middle East problems could have been solved long ago if someone had just thought to ask his son-in-law? Did he think, “That kid’s a whiz! And boy is he likable! He’ll have the Israelis and Palestinians getting along like white and my cabinet.”

Did Trump wake at one point from a slumber with the epiphany that all we need to defeat the Islamic State is to get tough with them? Does he actually believe that the best way to help the middle class is to cut taxes for the uber wealthy? Trickle down economics was tried. It resulted in rich people becoming richer. On Jan. 16, Oxfam reported that eight men have as much wealth as half the world. And Trump wants to cut their taxes?

And why do Christians like him? I understand he shares their views on abortion, but is there anything else? I was raised Catholic and there are a few really basic Christian ideas where he falls a little shy: Mark 10:25 — It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven; Commandment #7 — Thou shalt not commit adultery unless she’s impressed that you’re a celebrity and lets you do whatever you want; Commandment #8 — Thou shalt not steal from investors; Commandment #9 — Thou shalt not bear false witness (except on Twitter); Commandment #10 — Thou shalt not covet your employees; Matthew 21:12 — Jesus entered the temple courts and drove out all who were buying or selling there. He overturned the tables of the money changers and the benches of those selling doves and ridiculous red hats.

The great 18th century theologian Jonathan Edwards said, “We must view humility as one of the most essential things that characterizes true Christianity.” Maybe there’s some different way of looking at humility, but I haven’t noticed one jot of it within 15 feet of Trump except when he was meeting with Obama.

Or we could look at the seven deadly sins: pride, greed, lust, envy, gluttony, wrath and sloth. I’ll concede that Trump isn’t a sloth, but I think he roundly qualifies for the other six. I’m an atheist who is — even with my admitted faults — a better Christian than Trump.

And for the love of all that is holy, could someone buy him a thesaurus? It seems like he’s only memorized two entries: fabulous, tremendous, great, huge, amazing, best, fantastic, winner, incredible; and disgusting, very bad, pathetic, worst, terrible, loser, stupid, and his all time favorite, sad. In fact, I think I just generated one of his sentences.

Also, not everything is the best or worst; almost everything falls somewhere in between. Oh, and avoiding taxes for 18 years doesn’t mean you’re smart; it means you have an accountant. Don’t take the credit when there’s no way on earth you do your own taxes. And stop saying, “believe me.” It’s a clichéd way for a liar to end a statement.

Here are some words and phrases I think best describe Trump. I tried to avoid using too many that meant the same thing, but some might be similar to others.

• Narcissist
• Manipulator
• Demagogue
• Narrow-minded
• Derisive (expressing contempt or ridicule)
• Stubborn
• Dishonest
• Childish
• Boastful
• Superficial
• Vulgar
• Prostofilya (Russian for patsy)
• Misogynist
• Delusionally self-assured
• Intolerant
• Racist
• Xenophobe
• Simple-minded
• Pompous
• Shyster
• Quick-tempered
• Rude
• Unpredictable
• Credit pirate (a term I coined because I couldn’t find one for someone who takes credit when it isn’t warranted or even appropriate)
• Entitled
• Abuser
• Inconsiderate
• Purveyor of cronyism
• Unfit
• Truculent (eager or quick to argue or fight)
• Predator
• Amoral (lacking a moral sense; unconcerned with rightness or wrongness of something)
• Bully
• Ethically-challenged
• Grammatically-challenged
• Unprepared
• Greedy
• Jealous
• Backpfeifengesicht (German word meaning a face that needs its look smacked off it)
• Aggressive
• Elitist
• Dangerous
• Dunning Kruger type (a low-ability individual who suffers from illusory superiority, mistakenly assessing their ability as much higher than it really is)
• Delusional
• Tasteless
• Belligerent
• Con man
• Vindictive
• Ostentatious (given to pretentious and vulgar displays, especially of wealth and luxury, intended to impress or attract notice)
• Callous
• Resentful
• Arrogant
• Blame artist (“If it’s good, I did it; if it’s bad, someone else did”)
• Careless
• Hubristic (excessive pride or self-confidence)
• Cruel
• Deceitful
• Impolite
• Thin-skinned
• Irresponsible
• Jingoistic (extreme patriotism, especially in the form of aggressive or warlike foreign policy)
• Conceited
• Solipsist (someone who displays egoistic self-absorption)
• Inappropriate
• Exploiter
• Materialistic
• Unkind
• Ignorant know-it-all
• Gaslighter (someone who manipulates another psychologically until that person questions his or her own sanity)
• Obsessive
• Liar
• Disputatious (fond of causing heated arguments)
• Vengeful
• Chauvinistic
• Paranoid
• Smugly ignorant
• Sophist (a person who reasons with fallacious arguments, perhaps attacking the other person rather than sticking to the subject)
• Cocky
• Ruthless
• Supercilious (behaving or looking as though one thinks one is superior to others)
• Antagonizer
• Insolent (showing a rude or arrogant lack of respect)
• Selfish
• Undeserving
• Crass
• Overbearing
• Tactless
• Juvenile
• Condescending
• Brash (self-assertive in a rude, noisy or overbearing way)
• Thoughtless
• Black and white thinker (an inability to perceive nuances)
• Impulsive
• Opportunistic
• Foolish
• Impatient
• Untrustworthy
• Self-serving


• The number 0, in all its glory, wasn’t fully conceptualized until the seventh century — in India.
• A million-seconds ago was 12 days ago; a billion-seconds ago was 31 years ago; a trillion-seconds ago was 31,688 years ago.
• I’ve noticed that younger people don’t hustle or thank you when you stop your car for them to use the crosswalk; whereas older people generally do one or both (major cities with dozens crossing at the same time notwithstanding).
• All of the atoms in your body heavier than helium were produced in an exploding star.
• The sun is not a unique ball of fire. It is a yellow dwarf star, like 20 billion others in our galaxy alone.
• Birds don’t generally “feel the heat” from hot peppers. Capsaicin, the substance that causes the heat doesn’t affect them. The plant evolved to encourage birds to spread the seeds and discourage those pesky mammals.
• You can’t change other people; at best, you can control how much they affect you.
• Does anyone else find that food cooked in the microwave cools down faster than food cooked on the stovetop or in the oven?
• It’s possible that a billion years from now, on a planet a billion light years from here, an alien with a good enough telescope will be watching you go about your life.
• Reserve time every day to put down the phone and live in the real world.
• Does our depiction of Jesus resemble a man born in Iowa more than it does a man born in Palestine?
• I cannot bring myself to say his elected position followed by the name Trump.
• Everything takes longer than you think it will.
• If you want to eat better, start by adding more vegetables and fruit, not by cutting out the bad stuff. There’ll be less room for junk and you won’t feel you’re depriving yourself.
• I once read that organic food isn’t expensive; the alternative is just cheap.
• I listen to NPR a lot. During interviews, many educated young adults use “so” to begin answering a question.
• I’ve heard that the difference between American and Japanese education is that in America, the teacher is expected to teach, whereas in Japan, the student is expected to learn.
• Sandwiches are always better when someone else makes them.
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