Who's next?

I’ve been racking my brains trying to figure out where the Republicans can go from here. Let’s look at their past few presidential offerings:

George H. W. Bush

Experienced, intelligent. Meh.

George W. Bush

Somewhat experienced, quite incompetent, familiar with the concept of empathy, but usually avoids it and can’t spell it.

Donald J. Trump
Self-loving Trump

No experience. completely incompetent, won’t even feign empathy, but with extreme narcissism thrown in to boot.


So based upon the downward spiral through the decades, I ran through some possibilities for the next Republican presidential nominee.

Montgomery Burns
Monty Burns

Pros: rich, conniving, evil, no empathy, employs nincompoops. Cons: prepared for unforeseen eventualities.

Decision: put him on the short list.

Gordon Gecko
Gordon Gecko

Pros: rich, conniving, self-serving, no empathy. Cons: intelligent.

Decision: pass.

Willy Wonka
Willy Wonka

Pros: rich, insane, tortures children, successful businessman, flouts OSHA regulations. Cons: teaches inspiring life lessons, gave business away to a kid, breaks into song.

Decision: pass.


Pros: evil, vengeful. Cons: woman.

Decision: pass.


Pros: idiot, almost Russian. Cons: happy, not American.

Decision: pass.

Judge Elihu Smails
The judge

Pros: rich, narcissistic, racist, sexist, classist, golfer. Cons: doesn’t win.

Decision: pass.

Jar Jar Binks
Jar Jar

Pros: universally despised, idiot. Cons: doesn’t seem to be white.

Decision: pass.

Ron Burgundy
Ron Burgundy

Pros: narcissist, idiot, white, male, TV star, sexist. Cons: journalist.

Decision: short list after corroborating experience with Breitbart and/or Fox.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau
Inspector Clouseau

Pros: law and order. Cons: French.

Decision: pass.

White Goodman

Pros: great name, successful businessman, dick, narcissist, berates everyone who is not him. Cons: loses.

Decision: pass.

Cast of villains

Pros: evil, conniving, murderous, driven, snarky laughs, loyal henchmen. Cons, in this order: female, gay?, possible environmentalist and happy.

Decision: pass, pass, pass and pass.

Dark Helmet
Dark helmet

Pros: totalitarian, powerful, evil, idiot, fond of sexual innuendos, surrounded by assholes. Cons: I got nothing.

Decision: Finally, somebody they can work with. Let’s run with this one!

Talking with Trump

Though believable, the following is a mock interview:

I recently had the privilege of interviewing Donald Trump, the leader of the free world. His responses, I think, shine a light on his complex mind, his joie de vivre, his nuanced approach to life, and perhaps most importantly, his inclination to always put himself last as he serves a great nation. The following is the transcript:

CM: You really seem to have embraced religion since you announced your candidacy. Can you talk a little about the importance faith has in your life?

DT: Well first let me say, nobody has more faith than I do. I mean, I eat a steak at Trump Tower—the best steak in the world, but that’s just what I’ve heard from other people. I mean I agree, but that’s what other people have told me. A lot of other people. They say ‘Donald.’ They really say Mr. President now, because that’s what I am, but you knew that, ‘How do you make steaks that are perfect? I mean I didn’t know steak could be this delicious.’ And what can I say except that I agree—I eat a Trump steak and what do I do first? I say a prayer. Cause that’s what people of faith do. It’s a beautiful thing. It really is. First you get the steak and then while you’re putting on the ketchup—which is the greatest condiment of all time, believe me—but while I’m putting it on, I’ve already started praying. I mean, let’s be honest. Can I be honest with you for one minute? God is the greatest. I don’t think I have to say any more than that. He is great. Do I think I’m great? I don’t know. Some people say I am. I’ve heard it. I’ve heard it a lot actually. A lot of people tell me I’m great. Who am I to argue, right? But the chapters? They’re great too. You have Genesis and . . . all the rest of them. I mean all of them. I don’t want to focus on Genesis, because there are so many beautiful, tremendous chapters in the bible. Chapter and verse, right? So that’s what I’m thinking before I eat. I want to thank God for giving me the ability to be great and do great things.

CM: Your son, Don Jr., has been catching some heat lately. Do you feel any of the criticism is warranted?

DT: Don, as you know, is my son. I was there when he spoke his first words. Right there in the same city. I was in the same building when his nanny brought him home for the first time. That was some nanny, let me tell you. Fabulous girl, tremendous. Beautiful, beautiful girl. Or wait, was that the other one? I think it was the beautiful one.

CM: What about the emails?

DT: Fabulous emails. That’s probably why I kept her around so long. I mean it’s not like she was all that good at her job. Terrible, really. Mexican, so, you get what you get. But she put it all out there, if you know what I mean. I said, ‘come on honey, you like your salary, don’t you? You like getting paid?’ and the next thing I knew, there were all these tremendous emails.

CM: Are you saying you told your nanny to send you explicit photos in exchange for keeping her job?

DT: Absolutely. She was fabulous. And I don’t say that lightly. I’m very particular. Very particular. As you know.

CM: But what about Don Jr.’s emails?

DT: I stand by my son one hundred percent. One thousand percent. He was transparent. He was honest. He was tremendous. Just tremendous. Eric’s another story.

CM: You’re fine with your son, who was deeply involved in your campaign, willfully accepting help from the Russian government? It’s okay that he had contended that the democrats and mainstream press were making up the whole idea of Russian collusion?

DT: It’s all just routine stuff, you know. The dems did worse, far worse. Selling children in pizza shops? Come on. That’s way worse. Hillary Clinton had emails. What about them? She used a private server, but no one’s talking about that anymore. You don’t think a private server is worse than a witch hunt? Who’s a witch? Hillary Rodham Clinton. They should investigate her. I don’t understand why they always want to investigate winners. I really don’t. Why don’t they investigate the losers? I’ve always said that Don is ultra dependable, a high quality person.

CM: It sounds like you’re describing a refrigerator.

DT: No, Don, my son.

CM: Okay, let’s move on. What historical figure have you learned the most from?

DT: Myself. I’m historical, right? I mean, I’m the President of the United States.

CM: So, you’ve learned a lot from yourself?

DT: I know more about everything than everyone, so who better to learn from? I don’t know, you tell me. You have a guy, a tremendous, powerful, rich—very rich I will say, but you knew that; everybody knows that—But anyway, you have a fabulous guy who knows everything there is to know. Absolutely everything. And you have other people who don’t know anything. They’re just not smart, especially compared to this guy, who is tremendous. Who are you going to learn more from? I know my answer.

CM: Do you have a favorite color?

DT: Easy one. Red, white and blue. Why? Because it’s the greatest color. And gold. Gold is the greatest color too. What I don’t like is yellow. The most failing of all colors. It looks like gold, but it’s not. It’s a cheap knockoff. An imitation. Gold is a winner. Yellow is a loser. Donald Trump is gold. Hillary Clinton is yellow. Is that clear enough for you?

: Have you ever used a microwave?

DT: Are you kidding? Have you seen my hands? A lot of people are saying they’re huge. I don’t know. I think they’re large, but what do I know? Lots of people say they are. I think that should answer your question. Not only would I never have a micro wave, I have a huge wave. Probably the biggest wave ever.

CM: You pulled the United States out of the Paris Climate Agreement. Do you accept the science about global warming?

DT: I don’t care about Paris or their climate. I ran on a pledge to make America great again. That’s all I’m going to say. You know the answer.

Nothing to worry about

Chris Christie on the beach

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